Advice on confronting a cheating spouse

January 25th, 2010 → 10:30 am @ // 35 Comments

As a Cincinnati private investigator, it’s frustrating when clients call back after getting our report and say their cheating spouse said the evidence we provided doesn’t prove anything.  Clients should never reveal photos and video evidence to their spouse or partner.  Doing so only reveals to them the limits of what you know, and allows them to craft a story around the photos.

The most common excuse I hear from a cheating husband is that he was holding his co-worker’s hand/ hugging her / kissing her / because she was going through a terrible time with her family and was having an emotional breakdown.

More often than not, the husband tells his wife it was a “one-time thing,” and he probably shouldn’t have been that close to her but it won’t happen again.

But take the exact same evidence, and confront the exact same husband a little differently, and the results will be far different.

In the example below, the husband plays dumb and tries to draw information out of his wife before admitting guilt.  But the wife wisely avoids giving away any specifics while confidently asserting that she knows a lot of details.  She makes it very clear that it’s up to him to reveal details, not her:

  • Her: I know you’re cheating on me.
  • Him: What? <–(stalling question)  Ha ha…I get it, you’re kidding, right?
  • Her: Let’s stop the games.  Come clean right now.  I need to know I’m dealing with someone who can be honest.
  • Him: What are you talking about?
  • Her: I’m going to give you one chance, and one chance only, to do the right thing and tell me the whole truth.  But be warned, I know a lot of the answers to the questions I’m about to ask you.
  • Him: Okay, fire away.
  • Her: When is the first time you cheated on me?
  • Him: What is this about?  <– (this is an attempt to avoid the question)
  • Her: One chance.  Answer the question.
  • Him: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
  • Her: You’ve made your choice, then.  At least do the decent thing and tell me her name (chances are you already know this).
  • Him: Who?
  • Her: The woman who you’re spending time with when you’re away from me.  <–(good and vague, but still very pointed).
  • Him: Are you referring to the night I was working late with Sue from work? <–(beginning to draw information out).
  • Her: You know exactly what I’m referring to.  Please just be honest with me.

In the example above the only detail revealed by the wife is that she knows her husband is having an affair with a woman, and cracks are beginning to form in the husband’s defenses as he slowly realizes he is at an informational disadvantage.

Remember, you would not be confronting your spouse without rock-solid proof.  You aren’t trying to find out if your partner has a good excuse for holding hands with another person as they entered a hotel room together.  There is no excuse for such behavior.  And your partner will know exactly what you’re asking about.

The absolute worst thing you can do when you confront your cheating spouse or partner is to lay all your cards on the table.

Let me repeat myself: the absolute worst move you can possibly make when confronting someone is to reveal all of your evidence to them.

Don’t do it, no matter how tempting it may be to show you have the upper hand. It will come back to haunt you.

Here’s some basic guidelines for confronting a cheating spouse:

  • Decide in advance the goal of your confrontation
  • Pick a time when you both can talk privately.
  • Calmly inform your spouse or partner that you know for certain that he or she has been unfaithful to you and then flatly state the goal that you set for this confrontation (full confession of the facts, come to an agreement on the status of the relationship, or whatever you decided in advance).
  • If you need to reveal details from your investigation, NEVER, under any circumstances, provide details of dates, times, or places where he or she may have cheated.  Revealing this type of information will provide your partner with some idea about how much you may or may not know about his / her infidelity.  That, in turn, can be used to construct excuses, lies and / or cover stories which can be used to deceive you further.
  • It’s best to reveal that you know the identity and description of the person your spouse was cheating with, rather than specific details about times, places, etc.
  • Your partner may play dumb – don’t fall for that trick.  He or she is simply trying to draw out additional information before deciding what to admit or deny.
  • Never reveal the source(s) of your information, as that, too, can provide the cheater with clues about how much you know.

Remember, you hold all the cards.  The two questions every cheating spouse is dying to ask (but can’t) are these:

How much do you know?  And how long have you known it?

If you want as much of the truth as possible, do your best to protect the answer to those questions.  If your spouse chooses to lie about his affair without knowing those answers, chances are he’ll minimize his guilt and will leave out key details in the hopes you aren’t aware of them, and then you’ll know when he or she is lying to you.

Here’s another good article on how to correctly confront a cheating spouse.  It’s good advice.

If you have questions or need advice on specific circumstances, contact me and I’ll give you the best advice I can at no charge.

Family / Marital Investigations

Valentine’s Day and Cheating Spouses

January 21st, 20108:35 am @ // 85 Comments

Cheating spouses often make mistakes that get them caught on Valentine’s Day.  In fact, our Cincinnati private investigation firm traditionally stays very busy on that day. It seems that an unfaithful spouse always feels compelled to spend some time with the person he or she is cheating with, and that makes them very easy to catch.

The news clip below tells the story:

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Valentines Day is coming up fast. If you think your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner is cheating on you, a good Cincinnati private investigator can find out for sure.

Contact us immediately if you need answers. We have a limited number of investigators available and our schedules fill up fast on Valentine’s Day.

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Family / Marital Investigations

Before you hire a lawyer, consider this

January 18th, 20102:22 pm @ // 5 Comments

I’m sure I’ll make a lot of my lawyer friends mad, but they can’t argue with facts.  And here’s one undeniable fact: sometimes people hire lawyers way too soon.  And it costs them a lot more money than it should.

Before I get too deeply into all of that, let’s get one thing out of the way right now – there are times when you absolutely must hire a lawyer.  For example, if you’ve been charged with a crime, are being sued, or expect immediate legal action on some issue you are involved with, seek the help of a lawyer.  You still might end up hiring a private investigator, too, but legal counsel is critical under certain circumstances and not hiring a lawyer when you need one could be a much more expensive mistake than hiring one too soon.

That said, there are a number of situations where you control the timing of when legal action might commence – issues such as child custody, divorce, or other legal situations where you need information before deciding a course of action.  In the business sector there are issues such as workers compensation, employee theft and fraud, etc., where you may expect to take legal action but you’re still gathering information.

There is a common thread in all of these situations: you need more information before deciding a course of action.

Now consider this – most lawyers charge in the neighborhood $200 per hour, while most private investigators charge $100 or less per hour, some charge much less depending on the type of work involved.  And to underscore the point, even after spending a few hours reviewing  a case, many lawyers either advise their clients to hire a private investigator, or hire one on the client’s behalf!

A smarter course of action in a lot of situations is to hire the private investigator first, who can build a complete case that you can then take to a lawyer to initiate legal action on your behalf.  Such a move could save you hundreds, if not thousands of dollars.

As a Cincinnati private investigator working at Accelerated Solutions, I have personally handled dozens of cases and saved clients a small fortune.  And in a lot of cases, the client determined they didn’t need a lawyer after all.

Family / Marital Investigations &P.I. Blog

Always have a “Plan B”

January 13th, 20104:19 pm @ // 32 Comments

On a surveillance job a couple nights ago and got myself in a dicey situation in a bad Cincinnati neighborhood (not far from Over-the-Rhine).  Luckily things worked out, otherwise this blog wouldn’t be updated anymore…

The client was a typical wife who wanted to know the answer to a simple question: “How do I catch my cheating husband?”  She wanted to know what her husband was up to at night.  He had recently started “working” late.  One night she happened to note that his car wasn’t where he said he was, and she got suspicious and hired me.

To make a long story short, I followed her husband one night as he left work and drove to a bar in downtown Cincinnati.  There, he picked up a woman – from what I could tell, they definitely knew each other – and after a few drinks and quiet conversation at a table, the two of them headed to his car.

I tailed them to the parking garage of a nearby motel and when they headed for the exit I snapped the attached photo.  Since I didn’t have any info on who the woman was, and I knew the client would want it, I had no choice but to hang around to find out more information.  As you can see from the picture, I was stuck in a bad area with only one exit – not exactly the way a pro like me prefers to do business.

When a couple of neighborhood thugs walked through the parking lot and spotted me, I decided to switch to Plan B.  Now, I don’t want to give away any trade secrets here, but the bottom line is that there a several ways to figure out who this cheating husband was hanging out with.  Within a few minutes, I had relocated the car and found myself in the “lobby” of the hotel chatting with the night manager.  He was still processing the latest guest registration, which, as luck would have it, was in the name of a female.

From there, it was just a matter of doing some additional investigation to verify that the name I had was indeed the same person I had seen.  I terminated surveillance and went back to the office, contacted the subject’s wife, and filled her in.  Two days later, just a few minutes ago, in fact, the case was closed.

Another cheating spouse busted by the best Cincinnati private investigator (if I do say so myself).  And yours truly was safely blogging away from the safety of my office, which is way better than staying out on surveillance in a bad neighborhood.

If you think you have a cheating husband or cheating wife, contact us today.  We can get to the bottom of the matter right away.

Family / Marital Investigations &P.I. Blog &The P.I. Life

Five things to expect from your private investigator

January 10th, 20103:37 pm @ // 34 Comments

A lot of potential clients have never worked with a private investigator before.  All they know is what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies, and they are often surprised to learn that we don’t work in dark offices, wear trenchcoats and call women “dames.”  In fact, we’re just normal business people, with experience as former police officers or investigators and we know how to get answers to questions in a manner that is more efficient and effective than other people.

Hiring a private investigator is simple enough.  But knowing what to expect for the fee is just as important as knowing what you want the investigator to find out.  Here are the top five things every client should expect from a private investigator:

1. A firm contract

A professional investigator will execute a contract between the two of you.  And the contract will spell out exactly what to expect from the private investigator, and an explanation of what the investigators services will cost.  Because an investigation is a form of service, rather than a tangible product, it’s often difficult to quantify the exact nature of the services that will be delivered.  But a good investigator can give you a rough idea.

2. An estimated time table

One of the toughest things to predict in the PI business is how long an investigation will take.  Often, a client may have a better idea than the private investigator.  However, a good investigator will be able to ask the right questions in order to make a rough prediction about when to expect results.  In most cases, the timetable is almost entirely dependent on the subject of the investigation and a number other variables.

3. Ongoing communication

One of the most important aspects of any investigation is the dialogue between investigator and client.  The client almost always possesses critical information that the investigator can use to bring the case to a rapid close.  Whether it’s a business fraud investigation, or a cheating partner case, or anything in between, the client can act as a second investigator by reporting observations to the PI.  Likewise, feedback from the PI to the client can often trigger a breakthrough.

An experienced investigator will be able to advise the client on how to communicate privately and securely with the PI without compromising the investigation.

4. A complete and thorough investigation report

Professional PI’s will almost always provide the client with a detailed investigation report that the client can use as needed.  Reports will often include video, still photos and other evidence gathered in the course of the investigation.

Most reports will include an explanation of who, what, when, where and how.  The question of “why” is not always something an investigator can answer.

5. Advice on next steps

Often, clients take the investigator’s information and confront their cheating spouse with photos or other evidence.  This is almost always a mistake because the spouse can construct an explanation around the evidence.  Investigators with experience know that you never lay all the cards on the table when confronting someone who may be inclined to lie.

Investigators can and should offer guidance to their client on how best to use the information gathered – not legal advice – but advice on what to do next.  Often, the advice is limited to “hire a lawyer,” or “call the police.”  But the investigator’s experience usually allows him or her to provide insights to the client on how best to proceed.

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If you find yourself in need of answers to some tough questions, and you aren’t sure of how to proceed, drop me a line using my contact form.  I’m happy to answer your questions at no charge.

Family / Marital Investigations &P.I. Blog

Who’s that girl?

January 6th, 20102:34 pm @ // 30 Comments

whosthatgirlOne of the most common requests I get as a private investigator is not just to find out what a client’s spouse is up to, but also figuring out who the spouse is spending time with.

The case usually starts out with doing basic background research on the subject in question.  The client was a woman who’d been married for more than 20 years.  Her husband had only recently started working late – or so he told his spouse.

A sudden, unexplained change in work schedule is one of the potential signs of a cheating spouse.

But no single sign should ever be taken alone as a solid indication of infidelity.  In almost all cases, more than one sign is present – and when there aren’t more signs, it’s important not to jump to conclusions.

In this case, however, there were more than enough indicators that something fishy was going on.

The client told me that her husband had been exhibiting several of the classic signs of a cheating partner:

  • Working much later than usual
  • Frequent business trips to the same place (when nothing else changed at work – i.e. no promotion, no new project, etc.)
  • Important calls he would only take in private

Perhaps the most significant factor that prompted her to hire me was the fact that his cell phone bill no longer was delivered to the house.  She noticed that she used to always get the phone bill at home on the 15th of the month, but in December, it didn’t show up.  When she asked about it, he said the company was going to reimburse him for business calls so he had it delivered to the office.

But when she noticed a debit out of the checking account to pay the phone bill (in the same amount as always), she knew something wasn’t right.

After she hired me, I gave her instructions to to alert me the instant he called and warned her he would be coming home late for work.  After only three days on standby, I got the call around 4:30pm and raced over to his office building.   From experience, I knew he likely wouldn’t be at the office for long, despite what he told his spouse.

I was right.  At 5:05pm, I snapped the photo above when he came out of the office with another woman and got into her car.  I assumed she was likely a co-worker, but it’s important to never assume in this business, as I soon found out.

After tailing the car to an apartment complex a few miles away, the subject followed the woman into the apartment complex.  They remained there until 7:30pm, then she drove him back to his office where he got in his car and drove home.

Knowing the client wouldn’t be satisified to know that her husband wasn’t merely at work, the next step was to find out the identity of the woman.  As a private investigator, that was the easy part – but what I found out was that she wasn’t a colleague at all – she was the man’s divorce lawyer!

Needless to say, when the client found out what was going on, she was able to take measures of her own to protect herself.

When you hire a private investigator, you should expect to get a thorough report – not just confirmation of the things you may already intuitively know, but also additional information you could never guess.

Family / Marital Investigations &P.I. Blog

Discretion is the better part of valor

November 13th, 200912:00 am @ // 3 Comments

Just a quick blog update to give people an example of how we work at Accelerated Solutions.  On a recent surveillance job to investigate a cheating spouse, the client’s partner was discreetly tailed to parking garage at a local hotel.  During a meeting earlier in the week, the client made it very clear that the target of the investigation was very paranoid and would be difficult to photograph without being spotted.

Of course, being an investigator with over a decade of experience, this wasn’t the first time I heard the client say something like that, but it doesn’t matter how often I hear it, I take it seriously every time.

The client simply needed solid evidence that his spouse wasn’t telling the truth about where she was during the day.  A quick call to the client confirmed she had told her husband that she was headed for the grocery store and would be gone a little more than an hour.  I quickly determined that a shot of her in a parking garage (which the grocery store didn’t have), and another shot of her entering the hotel would be all the client needed to confirm his suspicions.

Keeping in mind the client’s warnings about his wife’s paranoia, I pulled my vehicle into a spot perpendicular to her SUV, on the driver’s side, then waited for her to come back out.

An hour later, I used my left side mirror to shoot a number of hi-resolution images that could later be cropped.  In the second shot below, the target looked in my general direction, giving me a great shot of her face, but in the darkened garage, it was impossible for her to see me through the mirror and the window.  Here’s a couple of examples of discretion in the line of duty.  And up tomorrow, proof that she actually went into the hotel…

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IMGA0565

Family / Marital Investigations &The P.I. Life

If you suspect a cheating spouse…

November 7th, 200911:20 pm @ // No Comments

Domestic Investigations

When you need answers, Accelerated Solutions can help

When you need answers to tough questions, Accelerated Solutions can help. We know that domestic surveillance can be a very delicate situation, and we handle all of our domestic cases with extreme care. We guarantee your privacy and will go the extra mile to ensure we don’t compromise the investigation. In addition, we have very flexible payment options to give you the freedom you need to seek the truth. The following is a partial list of our payment options:

  • Flat Fee – For a set price, Accelerated Solutions will investigate the answers to the questions that are most critical to you. No matter how much effort it takes, our team is dedicated to gathering the facts and getting you the information you need. This option gives you a firm budget to work with and sets the investigation parameters up front to ensure that your questions are answered and your budget is not exceeded. What we quote is exactly what the investigation will cost. If we fail to find the answers you need, the full amount of the fee will be refunded to you.
  • Retainer – this open-ended option is for clients who aren’t sure what to expect from the investigation. After receiving the initial investigation report, some clients request additional information, while others do not. If the retainer is not exceeded, the remaining portion is returned to you.
  • Flexible Billing Options - we know that hiring a private investigator can strain your budget. If necessary, we can set up flexible payment options that break up payments into manageable amounts over a fixed period of time.
  • Discreet Transactions – We have a number of options available for delivering investigation reports, evidence and detailed invoices to the location you want, including a secure internet email address created by us, personal delivery at a location of your choice, or a face-to-face meeting in our private office.

Family / Marital Investigations &P.I. Blog